jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D

(we'll run a little cleaner for a few here!)

The Search for Mr. Right

(F=FANTASY, R=REALITY)
F: He’ll lavish you with gifts for no particular reason.
R: You’ve got him confused with Santa Claus, who’s already married, anyway.
F: He’ll be tall.
R: He’ll say he’s 5’10”, although you’ll tower over him at 5’7”.
F: He’ll look at no other women.
R: He still thinks Sharon Stone, the swimsuit model in Sports Illustrated, and the young babysitter down the street all want to meet him.
F: You’ll be in his every thought.
R: He’ll spend half his life obsessing about a receding hairline; the other half rehashing the latest game on ESPN.
F: He’ll be witty.
R: He’ll still tell knock-knock jokes.
F: You’ll share the same interests.
R: He’ll cancel a romantic evening with you for a tractor pull.
F: He will always walk beside you, smother you with kisses, and give you unconditional love.
R: Now you’ve got him confused with the family dog!

Creation (revisited)

One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, “Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes.”

“No problem,” the Lord replied. “I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won’t be perfect. He’ll have a difficult time understanding your feelings, will tend to think only of himself if allowed to, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies.”

“What‘s bowling?” Eve asked.

“Oh...never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry.”

“That’s OK. I think I can handle this ‘man’,” Eve replied.

“Great, I’ll get right to it,” God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it.

Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, “Oh, there’s one other thing you should know about this man I’m making for you.”

“What’s that?” asked Eve.

“You’ll have to tell him he was here first.”

(soi-disant)

If your an American in the Kitchen, Chinese in the living room, and Austrailian in the bedroom... What are you in the bathroom?

Spoiler:

European (Your a peein')

I knew a blonde that was so dumb that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.





Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

^^ LOL!


My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete, just because he always comes first.

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you
going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

^^ Love it, dawn!!



Larry's Proverbs
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.



1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand..

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

hilarryouse! x]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

^^ I always like that joke, but I like it better when it's the woman that finds the genie or the leprechaun.

Here's one ...

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Maybe you'll like this one then, DB...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

That's more like it, moonlight! Thank you!!