jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D

BTW Ella, where are you headed on that plane?

OH that's too funny!! Impy is in a 'joke' mood today!!

Yeah! He must've been saving 'em up for something special!!!

Got any more??

Two midgets split a lottery ticket and end up winning the jackpot. To celebrate they get a suite at the swankiest hotel in the city and then they each go out and get hookers to take back to their respective rooms. Later that night the first midget finds himself sitting on the bed, staring at the hooker but he has no idea of what to say or do. Frustrated he finally gives up and pays the girl for her time, sending her on her way. Just when he thinks it can't get any worse he hears the sounds his friend is making in the next room. All night long he can hear his buddy shouting "Unh! Oh! Shit! Unh! Oh!"

The next morning, the first midget walks down for breakfast, depressed at his failure the night before. He sees his buddy, disheveled and tired, and just shakes his head sadly. Finally he tells him, "Last night was terrible for me. I've never been with a normal sized woman, I didn't know what to say or do."

"You think that`s bad." his buddy said, "I couldn`t even get up on the damn bed!"

RM

Male language dictionary

I am hungry : I am hungry

I am sleepy : I am sleepy

I am tired : I am tired

Nice dress : Nice cleavage!

I love you : Let's have sex now

I am bored : Can we have sex now?

May I have this dance? : I'd like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? : I'd like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? : I'd like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? : I'd like to have sex with you

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit : I'm gay

"You think that`s bad." his buddy said, "I couldn`t even get up on the damn bed!"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn about the difference betwee multi-syllable and mono-syllable words. Does anyone have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, pick me!"

The sweet young teacher looks at the eager little boy and smiles. "All right Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny just smiles and says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Shocked that such a word could come from such a sweet little boy Miss Rogers smiles nonethe less and says, "Well little Johnny, that certainly is a mouthful."

"Nah" Little Johnny says, "you're thinking of a blowjob."


RM

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Robert, I think I saw Emily just blush!!!!

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

This is the silliest day off of work that I've had in a long, long time!! I'm not getting anything done on the User Manual though!

Well, I guess the show's over!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"