jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
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3 Good Arguments
by DBCrazy on Sat Nov 14, 2009 2:21 am
There were 3 good arguments that
Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
As well as 3 perfectly legitimate arguments that
Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
Also 3 equally fine arguments that
Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
And 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
Even still 3 equally plausible arguments that
Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that
Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an
AMEN!!
Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
As well as 3 perfectly legitimate arguments that
Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
Also 3 equally fine arguments that
Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
And 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
Even still 3 equally plausible arguments that
Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that
Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an
AMEN!!
DBCrazy- Administrator
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by PIMP on Sat Nov 14, 2009 2:42 am
LMAO...good one
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by dawnsfire on Mon Nov 16, 2009 2:15 pm
Seen on a church sign:
Staying in bed screaming "Oh God!" does not constitute going to church.
Staying in bed screaming "Oh God!" does not constitute going to church.
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by Koudijs on Mon Nov 16, 2009 2:23 pm
dawnsfire wrote:Seen on a church sign:
Staying in bed screaming "Oh God!" does not constitute going to church.
That's correct... but most of the time it's damn good fun....
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by dawnsfire on Tue Nov 17, 2009 8:25 am
A woman stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint."
"Yes, Ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. You must be the person who took our phone book."
"Yes, Ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. You must be the person who took our phone book."
dawnsfire- Head of Forensics
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by bones206 on Wed Dec 02, 2009 5:39 am
No offense to Canadians meant in anyway what so ever...
How did they decide to name Canada, Canada?
How did they decide to name Canada, Canada?
- Spoiler:
- The picked letters out of a hat... C, eh, N, eh, D, eh.
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by A2BOREANAZ on Wed Dec 02, 2009 8:59 am
LMAO!!!!! oh i like that one...............lolbones206 wrote:No offense to Canadians meant in anyway what so ever...
How did they decide to name Canada, Canada?
- Spoiler:
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A Lesson in Always Using Proper Grammar
by DBCrazy on Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:48 am
Sometimes those email jokes are pretty funny. I liked this one!
A Lesson in Always Using Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
***
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
…ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PRoPOSITION!!*
A Lesson in Always Using Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
***
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
…ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PRoPOSITION!!*
DBCrazy- Administrator
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Bottle of Wine
by DBCrazy on Tue Feb 02, 2010 9:37 am
I got this one in my email and it made me chuckle...
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. B oth of their cars are demolished but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! B ut you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them...
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. B oth of their cars are demolished but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! B ut you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them...
DBCrazy- Administrator
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by dawnsfire on Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:24 am
Ha! Good one! 
dawnsfire- Head of Forensics
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Location: Chicago, IL
Say What You Want: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by G on Fri Feb 05, 2010 3:58 am
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by Kasper on Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:06 am
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by PIMP on Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:07 pm
OK, I wanted to share this because I find it hilarious, just don't call me sexist, I was sent this joke by a woman, ok? 
"a girl will never be happy on Valentines day because men don't have chocolate penis' that ejaculates money"
"a girl will never be happy on Valentines day because men don't have chocolate penis' that ejaculates money"
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by CeleryStick on Sat Feb 06, 2010 11:21 am
A bumper sticker about texting while driving:
"Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him."
Hee hee hee!!
"Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him."
G-Woman wrote:A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Hee hee hee!!
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Thu May 13, 2010 1:24 am
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
Not All Seniors Are Senile
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
Not All Seniors Are Senile
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