jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by dawnsfire on Thu May 13, 2010 12:32 pm
MORNING SEX
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
dawnsfire- Head of Forensics
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Age: 39
Location: Chicago, IL
Say What You Want: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
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Registration date: 2009-05-21 -
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Mon May 17, 2010 8:26 am
Ouch! And she wasn't even going for hard-boiled."It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
As she glanced at him sidelong she replied, "probably that I married you for your money."
DBCrazy- Administrator
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by Nightowl on Mon May 17, 2010 8:51 am
DBCrazy wrote:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
As she glanced at him sidelong she replied, "probably that I married you for your money."
Nightowl- Deputy Director
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BATMAN JUNK
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by G on Wed May 19, 2010 11:29 pm
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please,
don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please,
don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
G- Deputy Director
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Age: 33
Location: Here and there...currently here.
Say What You Want: Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Man in Black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in Black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.
Registration date: 2009-07-21
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by G on Wed May 19, 2010 11:37 pm
101 Things not to say during sex:
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
G- Deputy Director
- Number of posts: 8770
Age: 33
Location: Here and there...currently here.
Say What You Want: Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Man in Black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in Black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.
Registration date: 2009-07-21
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Thu May 20, 2010 7:48 pm
G, I like your lists that you've been posting around, but I thought that taxi joke was great!
Tomorrow's Friday!!!
Tomorrow's Friday!!!
DBCrazy- Administrator
- Number of posts: 11341
Age: 51
Say What You Want: I was sad to see this place close. I called it home for a while.
Registration date: 2008-11-06
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by dawnsfire on Sat May 29, 2010 10:07 am
found this over on LJ...
Brother: So we're doing a CSI project in my science class and I think Will Smith did it...
Me: Why do you think he did it?
Brother: Because he left Fresh Prince...
Brother: So we're doing a CSI project in my science class and I think Will Smith did it...
Me: Why do you think he did it?
Brother: Because he left Fresh Prince...
dawnsfire- Head of Forensics
- Number of posts: 2086
Age: 39
Location: Chicago, IL
Say What You Want: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
Avatar is "Queen of the Night" by Wendy Pini
Registration date: 2009-05-21 -
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Sun May 30, 2010 9:12 am
dawnsfire wrote:found this over on LJ...
Brother: So we're doing a CSI project in my science class and I think Will Smith did it...
Me: Why do you think he did it?
Brother: Because he left Fresh Prince...
DBCrazy- Administrator
- Number of posts: 11341
Age: 51
Say What You Want: I was sad to see this place close. I called it home for a while.
Registration date: 2008-11-06
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Tue Jun 01, 2010 9:38 am
I heard this one last night on television. I already don't even know what it was that I was watching. 
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
Last edited by DBCrazy on Wed Jun 02, 2010 8:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
DBCrazy- Administrator
- Number of posts: 11341
Age: 51
Say What You Want: I was sad to see this place close. I called it home for a while.
Registration date: 2008-11-06
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by bones206 on Wed Jun 02, 2010 9:39 am
DBCrazy wrote:
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
I don't know what that means...
bones206- Head of Forensics
- Number of posts: 2057
Age: 16
Location: Michigan, USA
Say What You Want: I want to go ride my horse. I love my horse. I want to watch the new episodes of Bones. I want to talk to my friends about Bones. But, most of friends don't watch Bones.
Registration date: 2008-06-21
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Wed Jun 02, 2010 8:04 pm
bones206 wrote:DBCrazy wrote:
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
I don't know what that means...
Before I go into explaining it I'll try it this way...
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."
"Make me one with everything."
DBCrazy- Administrator
- Number of posts: 11341
Age: 51
Say What You Want: I was sad to see this place close. I called it home for a while.
Registration date: 2008-11-06
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by bones206 on Tue Jun 08, 2010 9:29 am
DBCrazy wrote:bones206 wrote:DBCrazy wrote:
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
I don't know what that means...
Before I go into explaining it I'll try it this way...A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."
I had to go do my googling... Then I got it.
bones206- Head of Forensics
- Number of posts: 2057
Age: 16
Location: Michigan, USA
Say What You Want: I want to go ride my horse. I love my horse. I want to watch the new episodes of Bones. I want to talk to my friends about Bones. But, most of friends don't watch Bones.
Registration date: 2008-06-21
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by dawnsfire on Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:51 am
I always liked this one!
The Meaning of Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back -- that makes 80, OK?"
"OK," God said. "As long as you're sure."
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. Now you know.
The Meaning of Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back -- that makes 80, OK?"
"OK," God said. "As long as you're sure."
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. Now you know.
dawnsfire- Head of Forensics
- Number of posts: 2086
Age: 39
Location: Chicago, IL
Say What You Want: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
Avatar is "Queen of the Night" by Wendy Pini
Registration date: 2009-05-21 -
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by puckishbearscubsfan on Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:25 am
I've decided to insert B&B into these 2 jokes.
Booth and Brennan get married and she agrees to try church with him.
They go to a church to join and the priest says they have to abstain from sex for a week and if they do they will be let in along with the other 2 couples in the group.
A week later the first couple says "We've been married 20 years once a week is the norm. No problem" they are allowed in.
Second couple "We've been married 40 years. Twice a month is the norm. No problem'
Booth "well we made a stop on the way home last week and she smiled at me and one thing led to another. We're newlyweds so it's expected"
The priest said "Sorry but you're not allowed in"
Booth "We're not allowed back at the supermarket either
Brennan "Or the park, or the movie theater, or the opera......"
Joke 2:
Okay I can't do this to Booth so I decided on Hacker.
Brennan and Hacker are eating dinner when a spaceship lands and the aliens join them.
They decide it might be fun to experience interplanetary sex.
They go to bed with the opposite sex alien. Things are okay for Brennan but the male alien has a very small penis. He says "Twist my ears and things will be better" She does and he has a very nice sized penis and things go well.
The next day the aliens take off and Brennan and Hacker discuss the night.
Hacker said "It was okay but she kept twisting my ears"
Booth and Brennan get married and she agrees to try church with him.
They go to a church to join and the priest says they have to abstain from sex for a week and if they do they will be let in along with the other 2 couples in the group.
A week later the first couple says "We've been married 20 years once a week is the norm. No problem" they are allowed in.
Second couple "We've been married 40 years. Twice a month is the norm. No problem'
Booth "well we made a stop on the way home last week and she smiled at me and one thing led to another. We're newlyweds so it's expected"
The priest said "Sorry but you're not allowed in"
Booth "We're not allowed back at the supermarket either
Brennan "Or the park, or the movie theater, or the opera......"
Joke 2:
Okay I can't do this to Booth so I decided on Hacker.
Brennan and Hacker are eating dinner when a spaceship lands and the aliens join them.
They decide it might be fun to experience interplanetary sex.
They go to bed with the opposite sex alien. Things are okay for Brennan but the male alien has a very small penis. He says "Twist my ears and things will be better" She does and he has a very nice sized penis and things go well.
The next day the aliens take off and Brennan and Hacker discuss the night.
Hacker said "It was okay but she kept twisting my ears"
puckishbearscubsfan- Forensic Artist
- Number of posts: 209
Registration date: 2009-10-12
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by jsgemini on Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:36 am
puckishbearscubsfan wrote:I've decided to insert B&B into these 2 jokes.
Booth and Brennan get married and she agrees to try church with him.
They go to a church to join and the priest says they have to abstain from sex for a week and if they do they will be let in along with the other 2 couples in the group.
A week later the first couple says "We've been married 20 years once a week is the norm. No problem" they are allowed in.
Second couple "We've been married 40 years. Twice a month is the norm. No problem'
Booth "well we made a stop on the way home last week and she smiled at me and one thing led to another. We're newlyweds so it's expected"
The priest said "Sorry but you're not allowed in"
Booth "We're not allowed back at the supermarket either
Brennan "Or the park, or the movie theater, or the opera......"
Joke 2:
Okay I can't do this to Booth so I decided on Hacker.
Brennan and Hacker are eating dinner when a spaceship lands and the aliens join them.
They decide it might be fun to experience interplanetary sex.
They go to bed with the opposite sex alien. Things are okay for Brennan but the male alien has a very small penis. He says "Twist my ears and things will be better" She does and he has a very nice sized penis and things go well.
The next day the aliens take off and Brennan and Hacker discuss the night.
Hacker said "It was okay but she kept twisting my ears"
lmao! I think this should become a new thread. Jokes with Bones characters replacing the roles!
jsgemini- Agent
- Number of posts: 306
Registration date: 2010-05-06
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