jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
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Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by puckishbearscubsfan on Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:38 am
Ive decided to use generic the President insert specific president depending on your afiliation.
The President goes to a baseball game with his wife. A security guard walks up and says something to him, He gets up and throws her out of the park.
He returns to his seat and the guard comes up and says "Sorry Mr. President you misheard. We wanted you to throw out the first Pitch"
Joke 2:
Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen remain friends their entire lives and make a deal. When the first one of them dies the other will come back and say whether there's basketball in heaven.
Michael being a couple of years older goes first and a few years later Scottie is puttering around his garden when Michael appears to him in a vision.
He asks "Is there basketball in heaven?"
Michael answers "there is and it's great. We're all back in our primes playing like we did when we were at our peaks. And we play for our teams so all the greatest Bulls of all time are together. We have Derrek Rose for example on our team instead of Paxon or Harper. That's the good news"
Scottie asks "What's the bad news"
"Scottie I came to get you. We need a small forward. You're playing tonight!"
The President goes to a baseball game with his wife. A security guard walks up and says something to him, He gets up and throws her out of the park.
He returns to his seat and the guard comes up and says "Sorry Mr. President you misheard. We wanted you to throw out the first Pitch"
Joke 2:
Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen remain friends their entire lives and make a deal. When the first one of them dies the other will come back and say whether there's basketball in heaven.
Michael being a couple of years older goes first and a few years later Scottie is puttering around his garden when Michael appears to him in a vision.
He asks "Is there basketball in heaven?"
Michael answers "there is and it's great. We're all back in our primes playing like we did when we were at our peaks. And we play for our teams so all the greatest Bulls of all time are together. We have Derrek Rose for example on our team instead of Paxon or Harper. That's the good news"
Scottie asks "What's the bad news"
"Scottie I came to get you. We need a small forward. You're playing tonight!"
puckishbearscubsfan- Forensic Artist
- Number of posts: 209
Registration date: 2009-10-12
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by dawnsfire on Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:41 am
The Obedient Wife
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to spending it.
Just before he died, he said to his wife... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, in due time, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
"If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to spending it.
Just before he died, he said to his wife... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, in due time, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
"If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
dawnsfire- Head of Forensics
- Number of posts: 2086
Age: 39
Location: Chicago, IL
Say What You Want: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
Avatar is "Queen of the Night" by Wendy Pini
Registration date: 2009-05-21 -
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Wed Jul 28, 2010 7:53 pm
The topper on this is, once she's started spending it, even if he did manage to cash it, it'd just bounce!dawnsfire wrote:The Obedient Wife
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to spending it.
Just before he died, he said to his wife... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, in due time, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
"If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
DBCrazy- Administrator
- Number of posts: 11341
Age: 51
Say What You Want: I was sad to see this place close. I called it home for a while.
Registration date: 2008-11-06
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:29 pm
I got these off twitter...
@funnyoneliners
I bet if Lizzie Borden were alive today, she'd be a hacker.
@funnyoneliners
It pains me to say it, but I have a sore throat.
@funnyoneliners
I bet if Lizzie Borden were alive today, she'd be a hacker.
@funnyoneliners
It pains me to say it, but I have a sore throat.
DBCrazy- Administrator
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Age: 51
Say What You Want: I was sad to see this place close. I called it home for a while.
Registration date: 2008-11-06
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by dawnsfire on Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:06 am
Oh, the things I get in my email...!
Underwear Dust
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast.' Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!"
Underwear Dust
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast.' Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!"
dawnsfire- Head of Forensics
- Number of posts: 2086
Age: 39
Location: Chicago, IL
Say What You Want: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
Avatar is "Queen of the Night" by Wendy Pini
Registration date: 2009-05-21 -
Re: jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D
by DBCrazy on Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:17 am
I have a few folks that will really enjoy that ^^ one. From email to email. Thanks!
DBCrazy- Administrator
- Number of posts: 11341
Age: 51
Say What You Want: I was sad to see this place close. I called it home for a while.
Registration date: 2008-11-06
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