jokes ! post em here - PG13 for some of them :D

BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...



That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd still sleep through it.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
That no matter how 'cool' you were in high school, no one here cares.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesn't matter here.
That I would go to a party the night before a final.
That Labs/Art studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything found out about my roommate.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.
That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology. That Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That it's possible to be alone even when friends surround you.
That friends are what make this place worthwhile!

MissDebra, I see by your ticker that you're almost finished with college! And from your jokes it sounds like you're already getting sentimental about it! Thanks for the posts!!!

DBCrazy wrote:MissDebra, I see by your ticker that you're almost finished with college! And from your jokes it sounds like you're already getting sentimental about it! Thanks for the posts!!!

LOL. I sure am...

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass, Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.'

'I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Not really a joke, but ... oh well!
This amazed me so much!

Two guys are sitting there, eating a clown for dinner. One guy turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

hahaha.

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

(Answer under spoiler box)

Spoiler:

A dictator! (Get it? A Dick-Tator!)

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

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In case you need this joke explained a little ...

I didn't get this when I first heard it, but then I started listening to the IT guys that worked close by, and that was always the first thing that they'd tell anyone that needed help.

Hehe. You know there's a reason support techs do that don't you? The most common problem called into the helpdesk is PEBKAC.

Problem
Exists
Between
Keyboard
And
Chair

When I did helpdesk work we used to call those 'ID 10-T' errors in the description. Remove the spaces and the dash and you get ID10T. Management always frowned on us describing end users as morons for some reason.

RM


Edited because apparently I can't spel speel spell

THX1138 wrote:Hehe. You know there's a reason support techs do that don't you? The most common problem called into the helpdesk is PEBKAC.

Problem
Exists
Between
Keyboard
And
Chair

When I did helpdesk work we used to call those 'ID 10-T' errors in the description. Remove the spaces and the dash and you get ID10T. Management always fround on us describing end users as morons for some reason.

RM

I would hate to work a Help Desk, I'm sure, but as far as M$ goes ... getting all the way out and getting back in again is the one trick I'd put in my bag if I could only pack one thing.

This one's for DBC, enjoy!

*-*-*-*

An anthropologist was hacking his way through the jungle in the deepest part of the Amazon only to find himself suddenly surrounded by a war party from a nearby blood thirsty tribe of cannibals. Realizing that they planned to kill and eat him he quickly surveys the situation and seeing no way out he sighs aloud, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

Suddenly the skies part and a single shaft of light descends from the heavens to shine upon the anthropologist, illuminating him like a heavenly being, and a voice booms out,
"No, my son, you are NOT screwed. Go now, and pick up the stone at your feet! Use it to strike down the leader of these heathens!"

So the anthropologist picks up the stone at his feet, walks forward bold as brass, and proceeds to bash the ever loving shit out of the tribal chieftain. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again, "Okay...NOW you're screwed."

*-*-*-*

RM

LOL! I'm not too good at predicting endings, but I did feel that one coming on before I got there! I scrunched my face up and peeked out of one eye like I do in the movies. Thanks, THX!

Here is rock-solid proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you male or female?


To find the answer, look down....


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Yo, Dummy! I said "Look down," Not scroll down!



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That was evil, and of course I scrolled down! lol!

A priest, a preacher and a rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.

On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "In retrospect, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."