Booth's Secret

21225.1

This is purely an excuse for angst. ^^ I don't have a lot of time to clean up or edit stories, so they tend to just pour out of my head and onto here in one big splat. I hope its OK, and isn't similar to something someone else may have done.
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Agent Seeley booth sat there in his office, and he had a secret, and it was killing him.

He was in love with Temperance Brennan, and he could tell no one, and it was killing him.

He knew if he let it out, it could end their partnership, and that's something he just couldn't do. They were one of the most successful and efficient investigation teams ever for the FBI, and had helped so many people, he couldn't be that selfish as to take that away because of his feelings.

Booth knew he couldn't tell his closest friends,they were also Temp's friends, and he knew they'd tell each other, they wouldn't be able to help it, and word would get back to either Brennan or Sweets or maybe even his superiors.Booth just couldn't do it

He couldn't tell Sweets, for even though Sweets had developed into a good friend, he was a professional first, and although he would listen and council, if he thought Booth was putting the team in any kind of danger because of this distraction, he'd have to recommend they put an end to the partnership.

Booth was, of course, physically attracted to Temperance, any normal man would be. More than once, he found himself gazing into those incredible eyes of hers, and having a real struggle to not forget himself and what he was doing at the time.Or he found himself watching with a kind of dazzled wonder as the light played across the highlights of her glorious hair, or letting his eyes wander over her body when she wasn't looking.

And of course, there was that one time the sunlight happened to be streaming through the window behind her and it shone through her hair and made it look like a halo, and she looked like some beautiful glowing angel to him, and his breath literally caught in his throat. He was momentarily speechless. He had had trouble thinking clearly, and all he wanted to do was look at her. Oh god, so beautiful....

But it went beyond physical attraction. He couldn't explain why, or how whenever he was with Temp, or working with her, or even just talking to her on the phone, he felt.....complete. It was like she filled his being with light and happiness and joy, and he never tired of it and couldn't seem to get enough. He looked forward to every chance he had to just be in the same room with her.

He knew plenty of other women, many of them beautiful intelligent women, some of them having made it very clear to him they were more than willing to go beyond friendship.... .But he didn't want them. He wasn't interested in them. They weren't...her...it didn't seem to make any difference to him that they wanted him. The only person he felt right with was Temperance. The only woman he could imagine himself with was Brennan. He'd rather spend the entire day driving down a busy highway and just talking to her than he would having another woman in his bed.

He wanted her, but he knew he couldn't have her.

So it ate at him.It tortured him. It felt like it was killing him.

How could he tell anyone how many times Temp, oblivious of Booth's feelings for her, and when telling him about how her latest date was so handsome, or athletic, or such a good kisser, or what good a time they had on their date, or how good her date was in bed...how could he tell anyone how he just sat there and listened, nodding, saying "That's great Bones." , a smile painted on his face, while a hot dagger slowly twisted itself in his chest.

How many times had that manufactured smile crumbled from his face to a look of utter sadness when she left or looked away long enough?

How could he tell anyone how every time...EVERY time... he closed his eyes, he saw her face. Or how for one reason or another, for a moment he'd stop thinking about her, and then something, no matter how innocent or unconnected, seemed to reminded him of her and she'd come flooding back into his mind, and he knew she couldn't be his, and it was like a body blow and all he wanted to do was fall to his knees..... but he didn't......he smiled that smile, and walked with a spring in his step, and greeted people with a hearty hello, and inside,felt only desolation ...

How could he tell anyone how knowing Temp couldn't be his made food taste like nothing to him. How she wasn't near him ,he enjoyed nothing. How sometimes the despair he was feeling made him feel like he weighed 1000 lbs and he just didn't want to move.

How could Booth tell anyone about the long,horrible, sleepless nights. How knowing Temp was dating yet another guy, and how Booth lay there in his own lonely bed,knuckles pressed so hard into his tightly clenched eyes he saw stars, trying to drive away the images of her being with that man. Having that other man hold her, touch her, make love to her, call her name...and...Oh God, her calling his.... . Booth didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to see it,she was free to do whatever she wanted....
But the images flooded into his mind anyway, he couldn't stop them. No matter how he tried, they still poured in like so many torturous demons, while he moaned and pleaded for them to leave him alone, and his heart thudded painfully in his chest, feeling like it was pumping acid instead of blood......

......So Booth sat there in his office, and Brennan walked in, and he looked up and she was so beautiful and his heart leapt and soared at the site of her, and he smiled a genuine smile of warmth and love, and was glad to have her near him, and he asked her how she was, and she said she was great, she had a fantastic date the night before, and started to tell him all about it, and Booth sat there, and nodded, and said "That's great Bones", and the dagger twisted, and all the while he told himself, "Smile Booth, whatever you do,keep that Goddamn smile on your face...."

Oooh angsty. Whatever possessed you? Probably what Booth has been thinking for years though....
Any chance of getting Brennan's view?

TempestJo wrote:Oooh angsty. Whatever possessed you? Probably what Booth has been thinking for years though....
Any chance of getting Brennan's view?

I actually went through something similar to this once. Guess I wanted to exorcise that. ^^

And of course!! Of course!! Having a writer as good as you even contemplate that is humbling! Please do!=]

As per our agreement.....
Brennan's view:



She placed her hands over her eyes in utter frustration, her elbows resting on her desk.

She wanted to cry, which was ridiculous.

She wanted to scream, which would definately be a bad move.

She wanted to slam her head against the desk until she forgot who he was.

Everything about him haunted her, she couldn't sleep at night, because she dreamt of his arms around her, and everytime she woke up, and he wasn't there, she felt abandoned all over again, but worse.

Because she'd never known what it felt like to sleep in his arms.

Guy hugs. One kiss. A few dances at public functions.

Those were the extent of her Seeley Booth experiances.

She saw him everywhere, even when there was no possible way he was there. When she knew for a fact he was somewhere else.

Every soldier she identified looked like him.

She could recall his scent perfectly, the shape of his mouth in excrutiating detail... The way his hands felt when they brushed against hers.

She wasn't as dense as everyone thought she was. She knew she was in love.

She also knew he didn't feel the same way.

She'd started wearing low cut blouses to draw his attention. It didn't.

She'd made him dinners.... Nothing.

She'd memorized the stats of all his favourite teams.... He hadn't noticed.

Then the desperation had kicked in. The futility of their situation. She wasn't enough for him. Wasn't what he wanted...

Angela had shrugged and told her to try the jealousy angle.

So she'd called up old acquantinces...Met them for dinner, lunch. Told Booth they were dates.

She'd even started pretending that her "dates" were sleeping over. Lied to his face, something she hated, but she wanted him so bad....Nothing else was working.

She couldn't tell him the truth... He'd request a different partner.

So she stood up, composing herself, reminding herself of the details of her make-believe sex life, the name of the lover who didn't exist...

It was time to go meet Booth... Maybe today things would change...

Return volley....lol
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Booth sat looking at Brennan, god...she was so beautiful, he couldn't help looking at her, running his eyes over her face and hair and body.Why did her hair have to be so gorgeous? Why did she have to dress like that? ....couldn't she be in her lab coat or something? Why did her eyes have to be so......oh man, those eyes....

Both, in a real effort of will, only half listening to Brennan talking about her date, and as usual, going into details, dragged his eyes away from her and carefully studied a piece of wall.

But that only made him concentrate on what she was saying.....all about her date...he was so great, he was so funny, he could dance so well, blah blah blah....if she said he could sing well he was gonna go hunt the guy down and kill him...... the carefully crafted smile slowly slipped from Booth's face, and anger seemed to bubble up in its place.

Why did she have to give him all these details? What made her think he needed to hear all this? Was she that insensitive to him? Couldn't she see what this was doing to him? How could she sit there happily going on like that when it was tearing him up inside?

Finally, before he could stop himself, Both quickly stood up and blurted out "Bones!!Stop talking about this will you?"

Brennan looked up at him, surprised by the outburst. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I...just don't want to talk about this anymore."

Brennan said "My love life? Why not? I thought you'd want to hear all about ...

Booth, in an almost strangled voice, snapped at her: "Why would I want to hear about you with some other guy when its ME who ...."

Booth snapped his mouth shut, and looked at Brennan with an almost panicked expression on his face......

Back at ya!
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He sat there, his white shirt tight across his shoulders, smiling at her, listening to her talk about her fictional boyfriend...

Her heart was breaking. He really didn't care.... He was looking at the picture on the wall with a bored look on his face...How could he sit there and listen to this? She was doing so much fawning she'd even tuned herself out.

What else could she say? She'd covered dancing, dinner, the kiss at the door..

Suddenly he stood up. "Bones!!Stop talking about this will you?"


She gaped at him, as her heart stopped. She could feel tears building behind her eyes. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I...just don't want to talk about this anymore."

The woman inside her curled up in a ball, sobbing. "My love life? Why not? I thought you'd want to hear all about ..." She said. He'd probably figured it out. Knew she was lying. He must be trying to spare her feelings.

Her feelings. There was no way he could spare her feelings. This was it, he was going to tell her that he wanted their relationship to be strictly business.

Stupid Angela.... Now she was farther away from him than she had ever been.

Booth, in an almost strangled voice, snapped at her: "Why would I want to hear about you with some other guy when its ME who ...."

He stopped.

She froze... Surely she hadn't heard that right. She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with tears. "It's you who what, Booth? You've figured it out, havn't you? Did Angela clue you in? Did you run into one of my friends?" She stood up, picking up her purse, a determined look on her face. "Yes Booth, You're right. I made it up, I made it all up, it's all based on you. All my dates.... my fake romantic evenings. All fiction. Based on You. I don't know why I even tried. Don't worry Booth, it's not your fault." Her voice broke, but she refused to let him see her cry.

She ran from his office, taking the stairs, and out to her car. "Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!" She chanted all the way.

She jumped into her car and hit the gas, burning rubber out of the parking lot, praying that she would make the sancturary of her office before she lost it completely....

Booth just stood there, stunned. He watched Brennan flee from his office, and he just stood there.

"Wha?...." he croaked. What was that all about? Why was she so upset? What did she mean, everything was based on him? What did she mean she made it up? What the hell was going on? Fake romantic evening?

Who did she mean was stupid? Did she think he was stupid? When was he stupid? Why was he stupid? What was he stupid for?

Booth slapped his forehead. Well, he was stupid for just standing there. ONE thing that needed to happen, him and that woman needed to talk!! NOW!!

He grabbed his jacket and strode out the door, then stopped. Where would she go? The lab? Her place? Would she just drive aimlessly? His cop's mind thought about it, and his first instinct was to head for Brennan's office, and he thought hers would be as well, but after a moment, he realized she'd find Angela. Angela was Brennan's best friend He was sure Temp would go to her.

Booth strode purposefully to his vehicle, then paused at the door.

One big thing he'd have to worry about was Angela. If she thought he'd hurt Brennan somehow, Angela would happily rip out his liver and feed it to him.

"Proceed with urgency, but caution" , Booth muttered, then got in and drove off.

Loved it!!! Not so angsty after all...

I am a fluffmaster... can't help it... but i am liking this very much!

Brennan ran into her office and slammed the door shut behind her with a bang.

A sob tore through her, and she collapsed into a heap on the couch, crying desperately, clutching her stomach, as if to keep from being split in two.

Her whole body shook.

This wasn't like her. She hadn't cried like this since her parents had left. She was strong. She was Temperance Brennan, the reknowned forensic anthropologist dammit!

She grabbed the pillow beside her and held it up to her face, screaming into it, purging her soul, before bursting into tears again.

This was so much worse than she'd ever imagined it could be...

She slid down onto the floor, clutching the pillow like a life preserver, rocking back and forth on her knees....

Her phone rang, and she ignored it, stumbling to her feet and reaching for her lab coat, sliding her arms into it, feeling numb.

Life goes on right? Life always went on.

She wiped the last tear from her cheek and opened the door, stepping out into the bustle that was the lab.

Her feet followed their usual path, to Limbo.

These people, they were in limbo, just like her.

At least she could help THEM.

Booth tried repeatedly to call Brennan, but she wasn't answering, so he threw his cellphone down in frustration and just drove, and thought.

What had she meant by what she had said in his office? It was confusing. Did she have feelings for him?

Hope galloped through his body like wild horses, but he beat it down. Maybe he was misinterpreting what she said because of the strength of his own feelings. It was then he realized that things had come to a tipping point.

He realized he was on the verge of not being an effective FBI agent at all, or partner to Brennan. Because of his unresolved feelings for her, it was affecting him in ways that was starting to erode his skills and distract him from their work.

Come what may, he had to deal with this, once and for all, he had to tell her how he felt about her. He took a deep shuddering breath. Maybe she had no feelings for him at all, other than professionally. He knew it could go badly, he knew doing this could doom their working relationship.

His eyes flicked up, to where the tiny speck of a plane traced two thin white lines against the cloudless blue sky. If things went bad, he'd have to leave. He'd have to go as far away as as it was necessary to go to forget about her..... but he knew there was no plane on earth that could fly that far. Hell, there was nowhere in the universe he could go that would ever get her out of his mind.

He reached the Jeffersonian and parked beside Brennan's car. Well, at least he knew she was here.

He thought about how this could drive them apart, and he gripped the steering wheel so hard it creaked. The thought of never seeing her again, never talking to her, never standing beside her, that terrified him more than anything ever had before...even if they couldn't be together, the thought of not being near her or never having some sort of contact with her......he couldn't even think about it....he had to make some sort of move.. ...he knew it had to be done.

As he came through the doors of the Jeffersonian, he ran into Angela.

"Angela!! Where's Temperance?"

The urgency in Booth's voice, and the use of Temp's full first name were both unusual for Booth, so Angela stopped, arched an eyebrow, and said, "She's here somewhere, but I haven't seen her yet. Its kinda slow, so I'm going out to do some early Christmas shopping.What's up Booth?"

"I...we....Temp...if she's she's here, I gotta find her, we..I have to tell her...its..."

"Booth, you're babbling." Angela placed a calming hand on Booth's chest. "Slow down and tell me what's the matter."

"I have to find her. I have to tell her how much I....." Booth just stopped and looked at Angela.

Angela's eyebrow arched even higher, and she smiled a knowing and understanding smile. "Well she's here somewhere, I'm sure a trained professional like you can track her down.....Booth?"

"Uh, yes Angela?"

Angela spoke slowly and carefully. "If this is what I think its about..." Angela's hand grasped Booth's tie tightly......"Make sure you do it right, so there's no misunderstandings, because..."

Angela slowly winched Booth by his tie down to her eye level with surprising strength...

"If you hurt her, I'll hang you with this tie..."

"Got it, Angela."

"And not by the neck, Booth." Angela smiled a sweet and totally deadly looking smile. "It'll be somewhere a LOT more painful. OK?" Angela let go of Booth's tie, smoothed it out as he straightened back up, patted his cheek, and said, "Go find her Booth. She's kinda tall, great hair, nice eyes, long legs, I'm sure you'll be able to spot her."

Angela grinned, watched as Booth took a few steps, stopped, seemed to gather himself, then went on. She decided she wasn't going anywhere. She'd stick around, keep out of the way, wait to see how things went, and try to suppress the giant squee that threatened to build out of control....

Booth took a few steps and stopped. He was more terrified than he had ever been in his life. Nothing that had happened to him in FBI work, nothing in combat had scared him as much as this situation had, with the thought of potentially losing Brennan. Booth also thought distantly he didn't relish the thought of facing Angela if things went bad either. His groin cringed in fear a little, then he got himself together, and went to find the woman he loved......

Awww go find her G-man! lovin it so far

Brennan stared down at the skull she was holding, but her eyes were so full of tears she couldn't see it.

She wiped her eyes with her sleeve and tryed again. It was no use.

She couldn't compartmentalize Booth.

She placed the skull back in the box and left it sitting on the table, then went to sit on the floor, with her back against the wall, and let the now silent tears run down her face.

She probably looked like a mess, she never could get the knack of crying pretty, like Angela could.

What was she going to do?

She could leave...

But what would be the point?

Nobody was ever going to love her.

She'd been unlovable her whole life.

It was why she'd never wanted children, what if she couldn't love them? What if they didn't love her?

But Booth had shown her that she could love, and Parker had shown her that she wanted to..

And now they were gone............Booth.....

She wrapped her arms around her knees.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered, feeling the tears run down her throat and under her collar.

She had to say it aloud, just once....

"Booth, I love you."

A shudder tore through her, followed by another sob.

She could smell his cologne....

Awwww dont know whether i should fan myself or get misty eye after reading this sotry so far I might do both lol more more more this is great!

Hodgins had just put some samples down at his work station when he happened to glance up and see Booth striding by.

"Hey Booth, how's it..URK!"

Booth had reached out and grabbed Jack by a handful of shirt, not to mention a more than a few chest hairs, and had hauled him to his feet, and Jack found himself nose to nose with a very serious looking Booth.

"Where's Temperance", was all he said.

"Jeeez, what's eating you Booth? ow ow OW!! Ease up Booth, I don't have that many hairs to spare there!! "

Booth had pulled Jack even closer, and snapped again, "Where's Temperance?!"

"She's examining some skulls! I just saw her go....she's in Limbo.....OOF!" Jack dropped back down in his chair as he was suddenly released and watched Booth stalk off.

Jack sat there staring after Booth, rubbing at his chest. ."Ow, wonder how many chest hairs I just lost?"

Angela's hand came to rest gently on his shoulder.

"Don't worry sweetie, its no great loss." She said.

"What the heck is going on with Booth, anyway?"

"He's going to have a talk with Temp." said a breathless sounding Angela from behind him.

"So? What's the big deal about that?"

Angela acted like she didn't hear him. She just said, "I hope it goes the way it should go. If he hurts her..." Angela's hand slowly formed into a claw...

Jack said, "Why would Booth hurt..ow!..ow!..OW!..OW!! fingernails Angela!!...OW! OW!.....FINGERNAILS!! OWWWW"

Booth found himself at the doorway to the room, and he hesitated. Should he do this? Was it the right thing to do? He turned as if to leave, doubts raging inside him.

Muffled sobbing erased those thoughts, and he took a long stride into the room, scanned it quickly, and then his eyes came to rest on Temp.

She was on the floor, propped up against the wall, her legs drawn up to her chest. Her arms were wrapped around her legs, like she was trying to hug herself, and her face was buried against her knees.

More soft sobs drifted from her, and Booth found himself filled with concern and crouching by her side with no memory at all of having crossed the room.

He reached to touch her, let her know he was there, and he opened his mouth to speak, when he heard those four words.

"Booth, I love you."

Booth's heart flipped in his chest, and if he hadn't been crouching down already, the wave of giddy dizziness that hit him would have put him down anyway.

God, how he had longed to hear those words from her! She loved him!! He couldn't believe it. SHE loved HIM!!

He tried to find the breath to speak. For a long moment there was none. Finally, he managed to say her name.

"Temp." he said softly, as he gently touched her hair. "Temp....Temperance...
He took a deep breath. "I love you too....."

Brennan slowly lifted her head and looked at Booth.Her breath hitched from sobbing. Her hair was in disarray. Her eyes were swollen and puffy and red.. Her cheeks tear streaked, her makeup a mess, her nose was running....and to Booth she was the most beautiful thing in creation.

"Temp." He gave her a gentle shake as he tried to make her understand him. "I love you too. I....I've loved you for so long..... I've loved you since the beginning, I think. I love you more than any woman I've ever known. I love you so much I'd die for you without a second thought. I love you so much I'd do anything for you. I love you like no other....I love you so completely......Once Booth finally said it, he couldn't seem to stop...

"Booth?" Brennan said, sniffing.

"..I love you.....Yes Temp?"

"You're babbling." *sniff* "Shut up and hold me."

There in a room full of bones, and still sitting on the floor, they hugged fiercely, Temp still sobbing, but in happiness now. Booth, with his eyes closed, clutching Temp to him, and a look of total joy on his face, and the both of them softly telling each other "I love you" over and over again....

....Sweets wandered by Hodgins work station, where Jack sat, alternately either massaging his shoulder,or sticking his finger in his ear and wiggling it and working his jaw like he was trying to pop his ear or something.

Sweets said "Hey Jack? Have you seen....say, what's wrong with you?"

"Let me just say there's two things I learned about Angela today, Sweets."

"What?" Sweets asked.

"One: Never be within arms reach of her when she's really, REALLY worried about a friend's well being." Jack grimaced and rubbed his shoulder again.

"And the other reason?" Sweets asked.

"Two: Never be within two miles of her when she lets out a long pent up squee." Jack wiggled his finger in his ear again. "This thing is going to ring for months, I know it."

"Uh, OK" said Sweets, not really understanding. "Anyway, have you seen Temperance? I need to go over some things with her."

"She left" said Jack. "She took the rest of the day off."

"Oh, OK, well I'll just get hold of Booth then."

"No,he's gone for the day too. Nobody will be able to get hold of him today." Jack said. "Well, you won't, anyway." Jack gave a wicked grin.

"Gone? Both of them?" said Sweets. "But we have work to do...."

Jack said,"Trust me, Sweets forget it. You're not gonna get any work out of those two today. They're.....busy...."

As Jack said this, he got that devilishly naughty grin on his face that only he could do.Then he turned around to his desk, wiggled his finger in his ear, and went back to work.

Sweets looked at Jack's back, then looked around the lab in confusion, and saw Angela drifting by with a big dreamy grin on her face.

And he just stood there, not having a clue what was going on, hands held out helplessly, looking baffled in that way only he could do.

This is a great back and forth you two have going on here. I am enjoying this!